10:12
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These people can’t even do a few press-ups or go jogging without obsessively logging it on their phone
Lycra-clad blokes bouncing on beds to wake up their understandably furious wives! Bare hench ladies running up steps like Rocky! Slobs standing on bathroom scales and huffing at the results! Yes, sports fans, it’s Apple’s unnaturally upbeat “strength” ad, flogging fitness apps, “wearable tech” (ack) and workout accessories for the iPhone 5s. No pain, no gain, you patronising Genius Bar pricks.
This is the generation for whom the mere act of doing exercise isn’t enough. Oh no, they have to bore everyone else titless with it, too: standing around office watercoolers in camel toe-enhancing shorts, loudly droning about cycling; arriving at places with wet hair and flushed cheeks, boasting about “cardio”, “delts” and “quads”; faux casually announcing that they rose at dawn for a “hardcore” yoga session to feel “the burn”, “the shred” and the “shit off”. These narcissistic numpties can’t even do a few press-ups or go jogging without obsessively logging it on their phone, no doubt so they can post thrilling social-media updates like, “I just ran 6.6km using the Smug+ app #whogivesaflyingfeck”, filling everyone on a sofa with low-level guilt and deep, dark loathing, while taking the edge right off our Pepperoni Passion and Don’t Tell The Bride combo. It’s all soundtracked by Chicken Fat, a novelty hit first released in 1961 to get lard-arsed American schoolkids to do exercise. Yep, Apple has turned into a hi-tech Mr Motivator. Sorry, glorified Derrick Evans, but the only Chicken Fat we’re bovved about are the delicious globules clinging to our BBQ wings. Mmm, iPoultry.
This story was originally published on theguardian.com
Lycra-clad blokes bouncing on beds to wake up their understandably furious wives! Bare hench ladies running up steps like Rocky! Slobs standing on bathroom scales and huffing at the results! Yes, sports fans, it’s Apple’s unnaturally upbeat “strength” ad, flogging fitness apps, “wearable tech” (ack) and workout accessories for the iPhone 5s. No pain, no gain, you patronising Genius Bar pricks.
This is the generation for whom the mere act of doing exercise isn’t enough. Oh no, they have to bore everyone else titless with it, too: standing around office watercoolers in camel toe-enhancing shorts, loudly droning about cycling; arriving at places with wet hair and flushed cheeks, boasting about “cardio”, “delts” and “quads”; faux casually announcing that they rose at dawn for a “hardcore” yoga session to feel “the burn”, “the shred” and the “shit off”. These narcissistic numpties can’t even do a few press-ups or go jogging without obsessively logging it on their phone, no doubt so they can post thrilling social-media updates like, “I just ran 6.6km using the Smug+ app #whogivesaflyingfeck”, filling everyone on a sofa with low-level guilt and deep, dark loathing, while taking the edge right off our Pepperoni Passion and Don’t Tell The Bride combo. It’s all soundtracked by Chicken Fat, a novelty hit first released in 1961 to get lard-arsed American schoolkids to do exercise. Yep, Apple has turned into a hi-tech Mr Motivator. Sorry, glorified Derrick Evans, but the only Chicken Fat we’re bovved about are the delicious globules clinging to our BBQ wings. Mmm, iPoultry.
This story was originally published on theguardian.com
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